When Teddy Roosevelt entered the door of his New York City home in February of 1884, the twenty-four-year-old politician had no idea that within hours his life would be changed forever. He had rushed back from Albany after receiving an urgent telegram that things were not well. His young wife, Alice, who had just given birth to their first child, was near death in one room and his mother was dying in another. His mother died first. Her once unstoppable vitality disappeared quietly, like a whisper. Alice hung on for another eleven hours before her death left her husband reeling and in shock. Roosevelts personal journal came to an abrupt end that day, closing with a final entry, The light has gone out of my life.
Teddy Roosevelt was not one to sit still in his pain. He plunged back into his work, attempting to outrun his grief. When he found it impossible to outrun something embedded in his very fiber, he left politics and retreated into the rugged Bad Lands of North Dakota. For over two years he withdrew into the solitude and the rigors of western life. He wrote a memorial to his wife, worked to exhaustion on his cattle ranch, and reflected that the melancholic sound of doves cooing in the scrubby cottonwoods expressed more than any other sound in nature the sadness of gentle, hopeless, never-ending grief. Slowly sadness loosened its grip amid the vast, uncluttered landscape of Dakota and his wounds began to heal.
We can all relate to stories like Roosevelts, where matters of life and death heighten our awareness and remind us what is truly important. Although it is more common to remember him as a Rough Rider or President, it is in his grief that he becomes most human and we are able to find lessons for our own journey. This is a book of such stories, many of them about people struggling with a fatal illness, and of families trying to make the most of the remaining days of a loved ones life. These are drawn from my years as a clinical social worker at a hospice, counseling people facing some of lifes most difficult passages.
Few things raise as many important and troubling issues for families as death. It can send tremors to the core of our lives and relationshipsshattering longstanding notions of who we are, whats important, and what the future holds. At the same time, it reminds us of lifes fragility and the need to tend to what matters most. If we listen closely, beneath the storm there is often a steady whisper inviting us to become more loving and compassionate. Nothing reveals this potential better than the real accounts of real people
Other stories in this book come from American history. Stories like that of Osceola, the proud Seminole warrior fighting to remain in his home, or of the one-armed adventurer, John Wesley Powell, as he undertakes a hair-raising exploration of the Grand Canyon. At one point during his expedition, Powell found himself dangling above a towering precipice clinging to a small outcropping of rock. He was certain to die unless he trusted that he could let go and lean back into the canyon despite his impulse to hold fast.
I have often told these stories to hospice patients and their families. They offer parallels and insight into the challenges people often encounter as they or a loved one approaches death, as well as wisdom for survivors left to continue on their journeys without a spouse or parent.
The connection between people coping with imminent separation and the realm of historical narrative is vital and profound. After all, in its most elemental form history is an exploration of the human story. It is a reflection on how people make sense of things and deal with the uncertainty of the times in which they live. At its most inspiring, it is also the study of how we withstand, even thrive, during times of crisis and sadness, moving beyond our pain to enrich our lives and communities. What could be more relevant to people living the final weeks or months of their lives?
By exploring history we see ourselves more clearly. Before Osceola was transformed into a historical figure, he was alive with emotions and dreams that anyone can understand. As a boy he endured the confusion and turbulence of war, fleeing with his mother to Spanish Florida in search of refuge. He wrestled with questions about his role in a changing world and worried about his future. As a young man with troubles converging on every horizon, he did his best to adapt and find purpose amid perilous events beyond his control. Although he often suffered, even despaired, he found within himself a fount of strength and resilience that helped him navigate the hardships of his life and, in the end, find some measure of peace.
History is full of stories like Osceolas, illustrating the ways other people, even those who lived long ago, have dealt with the same kinds of challenges we all must face at one time or another. Reflecting on their lives connects us with those who have walked a similar path and borne similar burdens. In remembering history, it is possible to feel the silent accompaniment of kindred spirits as we tread the unevenly cobbled path of our final days, or take care of someone we love
Each [chapter] is divided into three sections. The first introduces a person or family and recounts how they tried to cope with the impact of terminal illness. It also identifies one or two of the most difficult challenges they faced and some of the places they found themselves getting stuck
Section Two offers a story from American history that serves as an analogy or metaphor, teasing out the larger elements of the familys experience. These stories offer a broader perspective on the familys situation and point to opportunities they may not have been considering
Section Three synthesizes the first two sections and weaves them into a larger fabric upon which we may search for a more thorough understanding of the human journey as a whole.
The chapters are arranged into five sections each of which identifies a fundamental challenge related to death, loss, or transition: finding meaning; facing the past; staying connected; letting go; and moving on. If we are sensitive and know where to look, within each painful challenge resides opportunities for growth, creativity, connection, and peace. The sections are organized to suggest ways of absorbing and processing the impact of these difficult circumstances and making the most of the time at hand.
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