Dear diary,

Melanie is brilliant! Well normally if I desire to do anything (and I do mean anything) on a weekend, Dad totally flips out. He starts asking a hundred billion questions about anything and everything that he can possibly think of. I know that he does this because hes a deputy sheriff and hes only thinking about my safety, but its really annoying. He asks all of these detective questions. Sometimes I feel like Im in one of those movies where the detective has the bright light on the suspect, and hes interrogating the victim for hours until the shady character finally cracks and spills his guts. Well thats exactly what Dad does to me when I want to socialize with my girlfriends.

For example, this one time Melanie and I wanted to go to the mall by ourselves. It was last May, and we wanted to go check out the local cuties and buy swimsuits for the summer. Well Dad totally laid into me saying, Whos going? Is there a responsible parent supervising you at all times? Are you going to meet up with any dirt bags? What are you shopping for? Well you better believe that youre not getting a bikini that shows everything! In fact, Im calling Grandma, and shell take you girls to the mall.

He said this in one breath, and I didnt even get to answer one of his questions, except for the one about what I was shopping for. I knew we were toast, because the only thing that repels guys more than your father, is one of your grandparents calling you by your childhood nickname (in my case Froggy) and playing the Remember When game. You know what game Im talking about. The game where they remember all of the most embarrassing moments of your childhood, and they keep talking about it because it was just So cute! Like the time you accidentally peed your pants, because Grandpa wouldnt stop tickling you. Or the time that you threw up and it came out of your nose.

At the mall Grandma had one of her special moments. She said in her most sweet and innocent way, Remember when you were six years old, and you locked yourself in the airplanes bathroom, and you were crying because you were afraid of being sucked out of the airplanes toilet. Then the flight attendants had to unscrew the door to the bathroom in order to get you out, and you were never able to fly on that airline again!

Usually Grandparents play this game in front of the hottest guy in the world.
In this case it was an entire group of ultra hot muchachos that were literally looking at Melanie and I with their snazziest Hey baby! looks, but when Grandma started her stroll down memory lane, the guys faces contorted into their Id rather cuddle a chimpanzee look. Melanie and I were utterly mortified. We turned bright red and ducked into the nearest dressing room that we saw. Unfortunately we didnt see the huge sign written in capital block letters that said MENS FITTING ROOM. The dressing room was not like any other that wed ever been in, because it didnt have any doors. It looked exactly like a horses stall, and when we finally realized where we were it was too late.

We had walked in on an elderly man. He was clearly in his late sixties, and suffering from a bad case of silent-but deadly farts. He looked at us in shock as he clumsily tried to put on his heinous, brown and orange, checkered golf pants. All that he was currently wearing was a white undershirt that was tucked into the most hideous, baggy, red and white, striped boxer shorts that Ive ever seen. Not to mention the fact that he was wearing black sock supporters and the ugliest black and green argyle socks in the world.

It was by far one of the most embarrassing moments of my life, and Im sure that Grandmas going to get a kick out of retelling the retched story to my future ex-husband. Shell probably say it at our wedding. Shell begin it like any other ridiculous Grandparent anecdote by stating the infamous line, Remember when we were shopping, and your best friend and you walked in on that poor elderly man while he was dressing? It was so cute because Good God is my family coo coo for cocoa puffs or what?