Excerpt

I have ADD. I may have had ADHD at one time, but now I only have ADD. The reason I say that now I only have ADD and might have been ADHD is that my father beat the H (hyperactive) part out of me at a very young age. Unfortunately, my father was not able to beat out of me the rest of those letters. Of course, my father never knew I had ADD, so he considered me as either dumb or very lazy or both. He told me this countless times as I lay over my bed, waiting to be spanked for something I forgot or did not do. Sometimes it was for seemingly ignoring something he or my mother asked me to do. My father punished me a lot.

As I got older, and seemingly more dumb and lazy, my father`s anger toward me increased and my punishments became more severe. My mother did not agree with my father’s treatment of me for my behavior, but she was convinced that I was just lazy and didn’t care about certain things. She noticed that when I was interested in something, I could concentrate for hours on end and accomplish things better than others could. My mother could not stop my father from physically disciplining me; he was a big man and rough around the edges. Finally, though, my mother did put her foot down and swore to leave him if he ever severely punished me again. He took her seriously and finally stopped, but I was already about fifteen years old at that time and had suffered through years of torment. The good thing about ADD is that I never focused on what happened to me for too long; in fact, I tended to forget most of it for long periods.

It was only recently, a year ago, at thirty-seven years of age, that I was diagnosed with ADD. In a very real way, the diagnosis of ADD helped me find myself and gain a better understanding of why I was the way I was as a child, as well as the way I am now. There was finally an explanation! I began to realize that there was a reason for my particular behaviors throughout my life. For the first time in thirty-seven years, I had hope. The symptoms of ADD described me so accurately. Here are just a few of the things I identified with instantly:

• Feeling easily distracted
•
• Inability to focus when needed
•
• Involuntarily hyper-focusing when not needed
•
• Difficulty finishing tasks
•
• Chronic issues with tardiness
•
• Forgetfulness
•
• Procrastination
•
• Impulsive behavior
•
• Depression
•
• Low self-esteem
•
The list goes on and on, and over the course of this story of my life you will read about how some of these symptoms affected me. Here is another list of what can be considered positive traits of someone with ADD. I will do my best to explain how these traits and talents have helped me and given me an advantage:

• Learning via osmosis (assimilation)
•
• Ability to multi task
•
• Dynamic
•
• Creative
•
• Vibrant
•
• Entertaining
•
• Compelling
•
• Imaginative
•
• Inventive
•
• Insightful
•
• Ability to hyper focus
•
• Resilient
•
I had heard of ADD before I had been diagnosed with it, but until then I never really paid much attention to what it was. I had read that it was a children’s disorder and so I didn`t make any connection to myself. I did not pay any attention to it – which is indeed a symptom of ADD. I grew up believing what my parents had persistently told me, that I was simply lazy and only chose the things in which I was interested. It made sense because whenever I became interested in something I could hyper focus on it and become an expert. Hyper focusing is indeed another familiar symptom of ADD. With respect to ADD/HD, hyper focusing is the ability to concentrate on something so intensely that one becomes so completely absorbed in a subject or activity that they can easily forget the time and their responsibilities.

The biggest problem of exhibiting some of the symptoms of ADD is that others misread them as my being unmotivated, rebellious, or unintelligent. I blamed myself for my perceived shortcomings for most of my life. As a kid, I wanted desperately to be a good person, do well in school, and make my parents proud. I tried to improve, and the harder I tried and failed, the more disappointed I became. This fear of failure made me feel depressed and isolated for most of my childhood. I was scared to come home with my report card. At times, I was scared to come home at all. When I was at home, I was very quiet and stayed in my room as much as possible. Sometimes I wished I could be forgotten or maybe I could run away and become a hermit, somewhere in the mountains. I always came home frightened because I never knew when the school might have called, or if I had forgotten to do something. If either of those things happened, I would be punished. Sometimes my punishment was to be grounded to my room, which was the punishment I prayed for most. For a very long time I hated the way I was and wished I could be someone else: a good kid, who did exactly what he was told to do. I couldn’t change no matter how desperately I tried. I think my father believed I was doing it on purpose to make him angry, but making him angry was the last thing I wanted to do. I not only wanted my father to be proud of me, but I also wanted to be proud of myself. When I was growing up it did not seem as though I could succeed at either.