Excerpt

So off I go to the emergency room to try and get my heart beat stabilized. When I arrived, the head of cardiology said he would try an IV solution to restore the normal heart beat and that he could do two applications of such. Well, after the second round there was no change. The EKG next to me still sounded and looked like jungle drums on angel dust. He then informed me that I might have to go to the operating room, be anesthetized and get “paddled”- you know, that’s where they take two electrified ping pong paddles, slap them against your chest, yell “clear” and zap you like a moth going into one of those bug lamps. While you come about two feet off the table flopping around like an unhappy trout.

But then he brightened up like a happy kid and said

“Hey, I know what we can do!” He then pulled out a needle and said “This will stop your heart. Hopefully it’ll restart.”

If you read the first chapter of this book, you already know my response. For some reason, I had the strong feeling I was about to become the subject of an experiment. But you know me, anything for science.

So into the IV goes whatever alchemy is going to solve my problem - presumably. Within seconds, my heart just simply totally and completely stopped beating. Now, let me tell you, to say that, and to experience it, are worlds apart. I looked over at the EKG which went flat line and blared “Houston, we’ve got a problem!” But that was nothing compared to the eerie silence inside my head. Up to that moment, I had never realized how much noise the thrum of circulating blood makes inside of you…until it stops. Ever hear the term “deafening silence”? This then combines with the subtle vanishing of all the pulses around your body as the limbs take on a heavy leaden feeling. (If you can’t imagine this, don’t worry, some day you’ll experience it.)

But that wasn’t all. As there was no blood pressure at all, my blood began to settle downward and I could feel it literally pooling in my legs and along my back. In dead people, this phenomena is called livormortis. I didn’t like feeling dead and, well, I’m sorry folks, but this is just getting entirely too weird. After about 10 seconds of this surreal alternate reality, my heart restarted with a lurch. And it was just as bad as it was before and the EKG was still all over the place.

The doctor then said

“I’m sorry, but we’ve exhausted everything we can do, we’ll have to paddle you now.” Almost sounds erotic, huh?

“OK, but I really have to pee first.” I then explained my bladder was in so much pain from all the IV fluids that it couldn’t be helping my heart from the stress. He just laughed it off and said it had nothing to do with it. I told him I didn’t care, I still needed to pee. Badly and right now. He then handed me one of those little wine carafe type jars and he and the nurse waited outside the room where there was another EKG monitor over the door.

I hurriedly started to relieve myself and within 10 seconds, much of the bladder pain and pressure was gone. And within the next 2-3 seconds the EKG went entirely normal. Believe me, “ta-dump-ta-dump-ta-dump” (that’s supposed to be normal heart noise) is a very, very sweet sound to hear! Before I had a chance to repackage myself, the M.D. (and of course, the nurse) burst into the room and said “What the hell…I don’t believe it!”

Now many of you probably know the heart beat is divided up on the EKG into separate waves identified by the letters “P, Q, R, S, T”. Out of curiosity, I asked the doctor which wave was the aberrant one causing my problem.

He looked around and in almost a moment of embarrassment said

“The P wave.”

But of course.

I was now back on the road to good health. Which, if you think about it, is the slowest possible way to die.

But you know, this event made it exceedingly clear in a very real manner that we are all literally and simply one heartbeat away from eternity. One moment it’s beating and the next, well, it’s not. And while some things may not apply to you or me, this is universally binding for every human alive. So, if you knew exactly how many beats you had left to use, would your life be any different? Would your heart beats and Life-Time be spent any differently or more wisely?

Oh, two more things: doctors don’t “save” lives, they prolong them.

And we all die from the same disease.

Our last one.