The Presidential Announcements

Once upon a time, nothing came to pass, because the results of the Presidential election were still in critical doubt from all of the Florida voting recounts upon prolonged recounts. What a fix those candidates seeking the highest office in the land were in, as vote after vote appeared to be saying that the voting public hadn't expressed their opinion in a fair way that could be clearly counted to show the true results of the election!!!

Early one morning, in the second or third week of recounting, when the whole mess seemed to be headed into an endless web of legal entangling and attempted untangling by the highest courts in the land, it did come to pass that a White House spokesperson announced to the news media that lame-duck Bill would address the nation at high noon. Until then, nothing additional would be said, because Prez Bill was still in bed.

At the stroke of 12, the Great Seal of the United States filled television screens everywhere. Everyone was waiting for the presidential announcement. Thusly, when Bill smiled into the camera, far more folks were watching him than had ever watched any other person in history-this would be his first public comment about the non-election. Looking into the camera, Bill said in a serious Presidential tone, "My fellow Americans, I come before you today with a heavy heart and a throbbing headache, this election voting recounting is such a revolting mess, and I'm so stressed out that I'm unable to fulfill my duties as your President. Therefore, I shall resign the office immediately, and the Vice-President will now become your new lame duck President. Good-bye."

In an instant of a second the Chief Justice was administrating the oath of office to Al Gore. As soon as he'd been oathed in, Al sat down behind the desk in the Oval Office. Stunned people all watched with gaping mouths and blank stares of disbelief, as the new President of the United States began to speak to an election weary nation.

Al: "My fellow Americans, my first act as your President is to place our nation under Martial Law to maintain public order and restore domestic tranquility. I have taken this action because of all the increasing civil unrest that's happening from this whole election and recount mess. By Executive Order, I have declared the 2000 National Election to elect the 43rd President of the United States of America to be null and void. All pending court filings regarding the election are hereby dismissed."

"I don't want to become your President by order of succession. Therefore, by Executive Order a new National Election to elect a President will be held on the first Friday, thirty days from today, which is the 15th of December 2000. No Vice-Presidential candidates will be included; the newly elected President will be free to appoint a Vice-President of his choice."

"Everyone 18 and older with a photo ID and a Social Security Number will be entitled to vote at any U.S. Post Office. After voting, your forehead will be date stamped to show everyone that you've voted. The postal polling places will be open from noon on Friday until noon the following Monday. U.S. Citizens overseas may cast votes at any U.S. Embassy. Our Military personnel on overseas duty may vote through their installation's postal system."

"No campaigning will be allowed within 1,000 yards of a polling place, and no political commercials or debates will take place. Social Security Numbers will be used to randomly select Special Election Vote Watchers. Federal troops will guard the ballots and polling places until each and every citizen has voted and every ballot has been counted and verified as having been counted. Military personnel on Special Election Duty will be paid a tax-free bonus to keep the polling places safe."

"The media will not be conducting 'exit polls' and there won't be any election projections of a premature winner. This time there won't be a winner until the Chief Justice publicly announces the certified vote count."

"Anyone attempting to influence a voter will be arrested by Military Police, U.S. Marshals, or Postal Inspectors. The voting public has had ample opportunity to learn about the candidates and decide whom they want to vote for. Anyone attempting to tamper with the votes will be spanked in public, tarred and feathered, locked up for 3 years, and listed as a 'known vote manipulator' in the Congressional Record."

"The Electoral College has no place in this election, 'tis the will of the people that elects the new president and not a few mapped out segments of the country. The two-party system really limits joyful partying, and all that political stuff isn't much fun, and it just keeps the work of governing the nation from getting done. All too often it's the American public that's left out in the cold while the political partying goes on and on without 'we the people' being included in any of the party fun."

"Now, before you all go twisting and shouting about how unfair this is to all those special non-interest groups, you have to ask yourself: what's really in the best interest of 'we the people'??? 'We the people' must include all the people and not just those partying ones who yell the loudest. 'We the people' are the ones the Constitution was created for. 'We the people' are the ones forgotten as this fraction of folks gets played against that fraction of folks for only the greed of political wants and gains. 'Tis time for a new way of conducting elections that empowers every citizen in our nation to fairly express themselves with their vote-that's why this election is out of the hands of local election, and into the secure hands of the U.S. Postal Service who will deliver your vote to the Federal government's VoteCentral."

"I'm asking George if he'll accept an appointment as Vice-President. Our only focus will be to make this Special Election happen in a way that's fair for one and all. Now is the time to put our differences aside and work together to unite our nation. Sorry Ralph, George got more votes, but if you'll accept a special appointment we'll get you involved in helping to formulate a fair election. Ralph, I'd like to believe that with the botched vote you most likely would have gotten 5%, so now I'd like to have your help. Now, George, don't get snippy with me, but if you want to play more dumb-ass politics as usual, and decline my offer to serve as VP, well, George, then Ralph will have the VP job if he'll accept it."

"Together we can make a crystal clear statement to America that 'political correctness' is no longer correct or acceptable. Together we can show the nation that even with our differences we can clean up this political disorder and start correcting the political stresses that bemoan our nation, and have left so many folks with the misbelief that their vote really doesn't matter. We have to show them changes for the better and move far beyond the 'politics as usual' crap."

"This fouled election has shown the incorrectness of political correctness, and that's why I've taken these steps to take politics as usual out of this election-to mute those endless political shouts of the few, so the expressed voices of the many voters can once again be heard throughout the land of the free."

"My fellow Americans, I urge you to please become a vital part in throwing off the rotting shroud of political incorrectness-show your spirit and help make this into an election where 100% of our eligible population votes. Thank you, have a good afternoon, and good-bye for now."

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As bizarre as this fairytale starts out, the total bizarreness builds as you go behind the closed doors to listen in on the conversations of political power brokers as they plot how to spin this revolting event to their advantage. You'll sit in on all the meetings in the Oval Office as the Threesome are plunged into events that require immediate Presidential attention. Hear their reactions as the spirit of George Washington pays them a haunting visit. Feel their frustrations as they attempt to focus on situations that continue to spin-off from the botched election. Come to know Brenda the White House switch witch and General I. Will Stompem the blood and guts Chairman of the Joint Chiefs. Get in on the planning of the 'Super-Vote Game Show' with Regis and Alex. Learn how the Icelandic connection influences the Special Election.