When I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder on May 20, 1999, I freaked. I went through a time of reading all the books and web pages that I could find on the subject of BPD.
Then I looked to the poems that I had been writing from the time that I was twelve years old. I wrote poems as a way to release my feelings and try to understand them. I wrote to organize my thoughts and try to deal with them. I had no idea that I was writing about a personality disorder.
All of the symptoms were right there, in my feelings, in my emotions, in my words. I have been in and out of treatment and I am on the road to being well. It was suggested to me in therapy that it may be beneficial to me and to others to share these words with the public. This is my journey.
From the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 3rd edition, revised.
An essential feature of this disorder is a pervasive pattern of instability of self-image, interpersonal relationships, and mood, beginning in early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts.
A marked and persistent identity disturbance is almost invariably present. This is often pervasive and is manifested by uncertainty about several life issues, such as self-image, sexual orientation, long term goals or career choice, types of friends or lovers to have, and which values to adopt. The person often experiences this instability of self-image of chronic feelings of emptiness and boredom.
Interpersonal relationships are usually unstable and intense, and may be characterized by alternation of the extremes of overidealation and devaluation. These people have difficulty tolerating being alone, and will make frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.
Affective instability is common. This may be evidenced by marked mood shifts, from baseline mood to depression, irritability, or anxiety, usually lasting a few hours or, only rarely, more than a few days. In addition, these people often have inappropriately intense anger with frequent displays of temper or recurrent physical fights. They tend to be impulsive, particularly in activities that are potentially self-damaging, such as shopping sprees, psychoactive substance abuse, reckless driving, casual sex, shoplifting, and binge eating.
Recurrent suicidal threats, gestures, or behavior and other self-mutilating behavior (e.g., wrist scratching) are common in the more severe forms of the disorder. This behavior may serve to manipulate others, may be a result of intense anger, or may counter feelings of numbness and depersonalization that arise during periods of extreme stress.
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