2. Dont Criticize
Your Child!
Give them an Ice Cream Sandwich Instead
Criticism is devastating to a child especially when they perceive that they havent done anything worthy of criticism. Criticism leads to self-doubt and frustration. This leads to not trying new things or giving up and quitting things easily. This lowers self-esteem even more. On the other hand it is important to let your child know that what theyre doing is not working and needs to be improved upon or changed.
Fortunately, the ice cream sandwich technique can be used as a method of criticizing your child without being critical. Its simple. Look at an ice cream sandwich. It has 2 chocolate cookie wafers on the outside and a delicious, white, ice cream filling in the middle.
The first outside cookie layer is an encouraging remark that compliments your child. The ice cream layer is the gentle criticism. The second cookie layer is a second dose of further encouragement.
Here is an example of an ice cream sandwich. Lets say that youre teaching your child how to shoot a basketball. Her perception is that she is doing great because she just made a basket. Your perception however is that she is shooting the ball too hard and there isnt enough of an arc on the ball. If you said to the child Nice shot but youre shooting the ball too hard and you need more of arc on the ball your child perceives that as harsh criticism no matter how nicely you say it. This is potentially devastating because in your childs mind she just succeeded however shes being criticized.
Here is the same message using the ice cream sandwich method:
Outside layer- All right! Gimme a high five! I cant believe how much youve improved shooting the ball in just one week. Youre awesome!
Middle Cream layer- Now, remember that time I showed you how to shoot softly with a high arc?
Outside cookie layer- I bet that if you shoot just a little bit softer with a higher arc youll get even better. Now lets see you make some more baskets.
Do you see the difference? Method one tears them down. The Ice Cream Sandwich technique builds them up. With practice this technique could be used over and over in many different ways. Many examples of Ice Cream Sandwiches are contained in this book. To sum it up an ice cream sandwich is mild, constructive criticism wrapped up in a nice package.
In other words, never criticize your child unless you also have something nice to say. By the way, The Ice Cream Sandwich technique is not just for kids but for adults as well. Think about it for a minute. Dont you hate it when your parents criticize you all the time?
This technique is very powerful however dont overuse it. Kids are smart and eventually they will realize what youre trying to do and it can backfire.
More examples of ice cream sandwiches: Example 1. Your child shows you a story she has been writing. She is proud of it and is anxious for you to read it and give you an opinion. You like the story but you notice there are numerous spelling errors. Here are two methods of reviewing her work.
Critical way: Its great but there are a lot of spelling errors. You better correct them before you hand it in to your teacher.
The ice cream sandwich way: Wow! What a great imaginative, creative story you just wrote. I cant believe what a great writer you are. Read through it one more time to see if you can find some misspelled words. Once you correct all of the words it will be perfect and ready to hand it in to your teacher. Im sure shell love it.
Example 2. Your child is upset because she did not do well on her math test. You do not feel that your child adequately studied for the test. She also has a tendency to hurry through the test and make careless mistakes. She shows it to you and asks you to sign it.
Critical Way: Well, what do you expect? Maybe if you studied harder and prepared yourself a little better you would have gotten a better grade. Next time study more! And dont hurry through the test. You made so many careless mistakes!
The ice cream sandwich way: Lets see. You answered a lot of these questions correctly. You did a great job on those questions. Oh it looks like the ones you missed were just careless mistakes. You know how to do the math but it looks like you just made some careless errors. A good idea would be to check over the test a few times before you hand it in. Also, you may want to spend more time practicing at home before the test. If you do those 2 things then next time I guarantee youll do much better. OK?
At first, it may be a little awkward to come up with the right words for an ice cream sandwich. It takes practice to integrate ice cream sandwiches into your every day vocabulary. It is well worth the effort. The best way to do this is to rehearse with your spouse. Here is the game. One spouse brings up a real or imagined situation and the other spouse must come up with an ice cream sandwich for that situation.
For example, one spouse says, Johnny is spending too much time on the computer. You want him to do his homework. The spouses now go through the following process. Organize your outer layers. First think of something good to say about your child. Then think of the proper criticism for the middle cream layer. Then the other layer which is the motivation to get the desired job done.
Since the child is already on the computer use that. Say Wow youre still on the computer playing that game. I cant believe how good you got at that game. Youre awesome. Do you see how when you practice at something you get real good at it. Speaking of practice, how about if you take a break from the game and finish your homework and later on if theres time after dinner you can play for a half hour more.
Ice cream sandwiches are the most effective method for giving constructive criticism to your children.
Here is your assignment:
Explain to your spouse what an ice cream sandwich is or have him/her read the above passage. Decide on a specific problem that you are having with your child. Devise an ice cream sandwich to handle that situation. Practice until you feel comfortable and then try it out on your child the next time it is appropriate.
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