I WISH I WAS DEAD!
These five words needed attention after a depressed suicidal mothers son name Cyris attempted suicide by hanging in jail for car thief. Desperate to find the answers to Why should I want to live? Angle the mother explores her painful past to find all the hate, and resentment, all the bottled up anger shes been harboring that lead up to her stabbing her self in her painful gut. Out to save her only sons life as well as her own she finds the core of it all. She finds out that she started by hating her complexion, then after being in foster homes when she returned home no one care, no one gave her love and attention. Angel lost her father her two brothers and never got along with her two sisters.

Angel search for spirituality but only found more pain.
When she found a man of her dreams and had six children he turned on her and became abusive and a addict. Angel trying to die every attempt failed and her husband never gave her emotional support in her painful moment, mostly caused by him.
She tried drugs and went in to recovery and build up her life to a prominent potions and she found her self to be very happy with the army of people to hug and love her and meeting powerful people and her fulfilling all of her dreams for once Angel wanted to live until one year came and she lost her job, her health was a tormenting continual pain filled days searching for cause and cure finally she got her answers after going to doctors for five painful years of testing.
Unfortunately by then Angle became crippled because of osteo-arthritis and Fybromyalgia, an incurable painful mussel disorder. Unable to walk she lost everything she built up in ten years and now shes losing her cheating husband. Lost and depressed she returns to drugs and alcohol and lives a uncaring life. Angel has a few spiritual questions and she is giving spiritual dreams for answers.
Angel then lost her best friend, her church abandon her and she was just baptize and she believe thats when everything went down hill. When she thought she couldnt take any more pain she lost her three-story building and a recreation center. Not able to go to work fulltime or be around recovering people or go to church it was no wonder she completely lost it when she heard her husband making plans to be with another woman.
After an eight-year happy recovering life she relapse and wanted to die.

Angel tries to understand why she suffers so much, what did she do to deserve so much pain. She admitted she was not as humble as she should have been and she never really learned how to love her self she just loved what she was doing. She realized she didnt forgive her mother or her husband and she was still holding some resentment and anger.
Angel also questions religion and the bible with all its revisions. She searched for the truth and found some answers in bibles prior to the king James version and she wonder why the churches never taught her that the other books existed because in some of the books in a Geneba bible from 1560 talks about suicide. She sees angels walking and talking with man on earth and she felt relive to know that she wasnt crazy when she was touched and rubbed by a sprit a few time. She was told she has an angel with her at all times and when her angel came to her in her dreams to give her messages she started to believe she was special.



Cyris in self- defense is charged and sent to prisons with two accounts of attempt murder.
Angle gets the call He succeeded in his second hanging attempt!
Distraught beyond belief Angle prays to see her son one more time. Cyris comes to her in her dream and her tells her he should have listened to her because; her dreams about death, and hell, and a place named purgatory where he lived in a tormenting situation. He told her that she was correct about what she told him about what death was like and that it wasnt just a deep sleep but the angel took her to purgatory and told her what it was like. Now he wishes he were alive to eat, sleep, hug, make love. And forgive people. Now he suffers more because he describes how hungry he is and can eat; how sleepy he is and can sleep; and the desire to cry and no tears come, wanting to be hug and find no comfort. He tells of his torment for his hidden crimes and how no one can be forgiving unless they forgive others and since he never forgave he is not forgiving; now he believes death is not better than life!

Angel learns from her angel why she should want to live and why she suffered so much.
She didnt understand why for her entire life theyre way always some drama going on in her life and painful situations that caused her wanting to die. She gives herself a lecture and she realized how selfish and insecure and pitiful she has been. She finds motivation thru her children. Angel has always be in some kind of dangerous situation that wanted her life, death has always been at her front door, as a baby she almost died, as a teenager
A young adult she tried to take her life at least nine time and as a adult she still craves for death but now her children also craves death. She knows she must find the desire to live so she can honestly help her suicidal son. Thought her painful losses and her cheating husband she finds it hard to find this desire to live.
Through spiritual dreams she finds a desire to live