Excerpt
I remember the day Nancy died as if it were yesterday. I was 6 years old. My parents were at the Babies and Childrens Hospital in Cleveland with Nancy. I didnt know she was having surgery. I would not have understood if I had known about it. My parents never told me the gravity of the situation. I just thought they were with her at the hospital and she was getting better. She had been in the hospital so often it was neither unexpected nor a concern to me. She always came home when she was better. I expected her home any day and was looking forward to playing with her again.
Aunt Babe and Uncle Roy, a favorite aunt and uncle, were at our house taking care of us while Mom and Dad were in Cleveland. Their children, also favorite cousins, were there and we played and had a good time. We always did when we were with them. It was evening by the time Mom and Dad came home from the hospital. I remember it was dark outside. They brought Dan and me into the living room, and everyone else went into another room. Dad and Mom were crying. I had never seen Dad cry before and it scared me. They told us Nancy had died. She went to heaven. We wanted to know why. Why couldnt she come home? Mom said that Nancy was such a good little girl that God wanted her with him. She was up in heaven with God, she was happy and would never come back. I decided at that minute that I would never be that good. I wanted to stay here with my family. But, how could Nancy be happy up in heaven without us?
Dan was only 5 years old. He knew that Nancy would never come back but the concept of death was not something he understood. We cried together but his tears were brought on by fear of something he did not understand more than grief over Nancy. We went to our bedroom and cried together.
I knew Nancy was different. She was frail and her lips and fingernails were always blue. We were not allowed to play rough with Nancy. As Nancy got weaker, I could play with her on her bed or in the living room, but the boys were too rough to play with her. Nancy was my best friend. We did all kinds of things together. I remember playing on the sandy beach in Florida with Nancy and Dan before she got really weak. Walking through the surf together. Holding hands tightly so we would not be separated. I remember walking to Nancys school in Florida, Mom pushing a baby carriage, to wait for Nancy when school let out. We walked home in the warm sunshine and Nancy would tell Mom about her day. I couldnt wait until I could go to school with Nancy. I missed her so much during the day.
But school was too hard on her and she only attended for a short time. Mom hired a tutor to teach her at home, and we didnt have our afternoon walks anymore. By the time I went to school, we lived in Ohio. Nancy was not well and the tutor came to the house there, too. I never got to go to school with Nancy, but when I got home from school I was allowed to go to our room and play with her. I would show her what I did at school and she would show me her books and papers left by her tutor.
Nancy and I always got new dolls for Christmas. We would play Mommies for hours. We would sit cross-legged on the bed and have tea parties with little metal cups and saucers from the dish sets we got for Christmas. We used water for tea and crackers for cookies. We copied what we saw Mom and her sisters do when they visited; holding our dolls, pretending to have homes and husbands.
We played outside the trailer in Florida, riding tricycles on the sandy soil around the trailer park, or watching Dad open coconuts and sharing the sweet coconut milk. It was exciting when Santa came to the trailer park, throwing candy and fruit from the back of a truck for all the kids to catch. The children in the park were so happy to see Santa. We ran behind the truck together. We never knew he was coming and the surprise of seeing him on the back of that truck was thrilling. Nancy and I hurried to the trailer to show Mom the wonderful treats we caught. We took fishing trips to the canals with Mom and Dad. Nancy and I sat on the banks of the canal and watched Dad as he threw his line in the water. On one outing Nancy lost her footing and tumbled down the canal bank toward the water. I was so relieved when Dad caught her before she hit the water. I was sure an alligator would get her. We had been warned to stay away from water where alligators might be. I remember walking on the rough grass and warm sand in our bare feet.
I sat with Nancy in the sand at the beach, watching Dad fly kites over the deep blue sea. Holding Nancys hand in the surf so we wouldnt get swept away from each other. Mom had a rule about the water. We were never to walk into the water past our waist. Our belly buttons were the measure. Never go in deeper than that. Any further was not safe. We followed that rule on every trip to the beach. I still love the beach and spend as much time there on vacations as I can.
Both of us were too young to realize that this togetherness was not forever. We had no idea it would end so soon. Nancy being sick was, to us, the natural thing. Her trips to the hospital were a part of our lives. She always came home again.
I cried for a long time when I realized she was really gone. How could she not come back? She was my sister. She belonged with us. The idea of never seeing her again just couldnt be real. She had been there all of my short life. This could not be happening. My parents were crying. I had never seen Dad cry before and it scared me. At the age of 6 I learned what true loss was.
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