Matchstick

Hi Guys,

I called my psychotic sister Sybil last night. She shared that my brother Vincent had been living with her (instead of the local prison). However, his current his address was: back of parked car; bad side of town.

Sybil: Well, it was just terrible! We had to ask him to leave. He ran up a $1,900 phone bill in one month.

Scarlett: Who did he call?

Sybil: Well, mostly 900 numbers.

Scarlett: Sex, lies and videotape things?

Sybil: No. Astrology lines. He kept calling Miss Cleo trying to see when he was going to make some money.

Then he would start drinking and fall asleep with the phone off the hook for hours at a time. He was also calling Ruby a lot.

I shuddered. Ruby was one of his former lady friends. A lady of the evening, afternoon and morning. Vincents last prison visit was the result of an altercation with Ruby and her transvestite cousin Alex. Late one evening I received a phone call from Vincent from a police holding room.

Vincent: Hey, I need $5,000. Can you help me?

Scarlett: Who is this? Vincent? Is that you? $5,000? For what?

Vincent: Bail. I need bail.

Scarlett: Where are you? What happened?

Vincent: Ruby's stupid cousin hit me and they put me in jail.

Scarlett: Why are you in jail if he hit you?

Vincent: Ruby and Alex lied about what happened. And now, I need bail to get out and Ruby doesn't have it.

Scarlett: Cant Ruby get it?

Vincent: Do you know what she would have to do to get that kind of money?

Scarlett: Don't tell me. What could she possibly do that is worse than.

Vincent: You don't understand. She doesnt want to do those things but extra money is hard to pass up. Ya know, stuff like hot oil treatments and dressing like....

Scarlett: No, no! Don't tell me anymore. Just tell me exactly what happened and why you are in jail.

Vincent: Well, Ruby and I were out and got drunk and we started fighting and I slapped her and she got mad and called Alex and he's a real creepy dude. He goes to weird parties and wears all these lacy things and high heels. He always has matching shoes, dresses and purses.

Anyway, I fell asleep. The next thing I know there's a knock at the door and when I opened it I see creepy Alex in a red dress, sparkly shoes and hes carrying a baseball bat. He just hits me with the bat so I hit him back. And then some other stuff happened so - here I am.

Scarlett: Some guy dressed in high heels and a party dress carrying a ball bat walks in your front door and just hits you?

Vincent: Well, like I said some other things happened and the police came. Ruby and Alex lied and said it was my fault and the cops took me to the station and now I need bail and Ruby and Alex won't help. Do you think Cloris (my sister) would put her house up for the bail?

Scarlett: I don't think so.

Vincent: Well, that's not fair. I only need $5,000.

As hard as it sounds the entire family had become oblivious to the cries, wailing and gnashing of imprisoned teeth.

Vincent: Hey, how about if you call Ruby and see if she will drop the charges? Maybe if you talk to her? But wait until early in the morning because she is probably working now and won't be home. Wait, I have her beeper number. If she's not busy she could call you back.

Scarlett: If she's not busy? I'm not beeping her hoping I catch her during a down time (probably a bad choice of words). No, I'm not beeping her.

Vincent: Well, fine. Be that way. You don't care at all do you? I'm calling Cloris to see if she will put her house up.

He slammed down the phone and I counted myself lucky. Apparently my sister didnt send him money either because two months later I received a collect call from prison.

Vincent: Hi, how are things going? What are you doing?

Scarlett: Uh, well, uh, things are fine. Actually I'm in the middle of making dinner. How are you?

What else do you say to a person in prison? How's the food? What movies have you seen? Who's your new bunk mate?

Vincent: I want you to talk to someone. His name is Matchstick.

Scarlett: What? Wait! Who is he?

Vincent: Oh, he's really a good guy.

Scarlett: Why do they call him Matchstick? Is he an arsonist? What's he doing in prison?

Vincent: No, he's not an arsonist. He just gambles with matchsticks. And it's kind of a long story of why he's here but he killed his parents -- BUT he didn't mean to and he's sorry for it. He's rehabilitated. He wants to ask about some Bible verses.

Scarlett: Wait! I don't want to talk to anyone -- I want...........

Matchstick: Hey! Ah u doin?

I'm standing at my kitchen counter with a handful of ground round, my husband, two kids, a dog, a sink full of dirty dishes and I am speaking to a murderer in prison.

Scarlett: Uh, uh -- how are you?

Matchstick: Yeah, Vincent tells me ya know the Bible pretty well.

Scarlett: Well -- uh, uh -- I know how to -- uh, uh -- find things I need.

Matchstick: Yeah ha, ha so do I.

My heart was jumping through my chest. I wanted to run screaming from the kitchen. Jerry and the girls looked at me and wondered why I'd dropped the ground round on the floor.