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The Cinderella Syndrome


If love is the answer,
could you rephrase the question?
LILY TOMLIN

Whats the difference between people who are happy in their relationships and people who are not? Is it intelligence? It cant be. We all know plenty of stupid people who have better relationships than we do. Is it beauty? No. We all know plenty of less attractive people who are happier than we are in their relationships. Is it money? No way. There are plenty of people who are poorer than we are that are more satisfied with their relationships. So what is the difference between people who are happy and those who are unhappy with their relationships? The answer to that question is the subject of this book.

Its pretty simple, really. The quality of our relationships depends on three things: what we think, what we feel, and what we do. These are the three keys to getting more out of your relationship. If you change all three of these you will experience a dramatic improvement in your relationship.


WHAT IS LOVE?
For centuries, poets, authors, songwriters, and Hollywood films have told us that everything about love should feel like weak knees and sweaty palms. We get buried under a barrage of myths like, love at first sight or Im nothing without you or happily ever after. These ideals lead us to believe love just happens and when it does it solves all our problems. We say I do and were done. Our expectations are set according to the fairy tales, poems, romance novels, love songs, and movies weve seen and were always disappointed when we realize the truth. Loving relationships dont just happen. They take time, energy, patience, respect, cooperation, and commitment. That doesnt sound very exciting or romantic, does it? It can if you want it to be. The fact is when you stop making a contribution to your relationship the relationship begins to die.


It is not for the love of a husband that a husband is dear; but for the love of the Soul of the husband that a husband is dear. It is not for the love of a wife that a wife is dear; but for the love of the Soul of the wife that a wife is dear.
THE UPANISHADS


We want to believe true love is whats portrayed in the movies because we want it to be more than what our parents showed us. We hope and pray loving relationships are not really as mundane as what we saw from our parents marriage. Such unrealistic expectations set us up for huge disappointment. It is next to impossible to feel those butterflies in your stomach every day for thirty or forty years. Because love is a process the butterflies eventually fly away and a deeper level of commitment and companionship takes over. Problems may arise if the partners begin to take each other for granted, or worse, they begin to play out their childhood disappointments. Love stories dont tell us that part.

Fairy tales dont show us what happens after the guy gets the girl. They dont tell us what happens after Cinderella marries Prince Charming. We dont see how she eventually resents his Friday nights out with the guys while shes at home watching the kids. They dont show us how he resents her for being too controlling and demanding. Most of us would be shocked to see Cinderella constantly yearning to be romanced and swept off her feet again just like Charming did in the beginning of the relationship. Instead, Cinderella is left feeling frustrated and lonely in their seven-bedroom castle.

We are only shown the exciting part of the relationship like the flirting, the romance, the envious onlookers, and that blissful first kiss. What we dont get to see are the arguments and power struggles, the resentment and frustration. The story ends before Cinderella yells at Charming to load the dishwasher the right way as he ignores her and continues watching the game. We especially dont get to see how the abuse Cinderella suffered at the hands of her stepmother and stepsisters causes her to verbally abuse and control Charming. Were never aware of the tears she cries because her relationship isnt what the Fairy Godmother promised. The frustration she feels from not knowing whats wrong with the relationship or how to fix it remains untold as well.

The fact is Cinderella has a bit of work to do on herself before her relationship will improve. And it will improve. By learning how what she saw, heard, and experienced growing up is running her relationship today, she will be able to change what she thinks, how she feels, and the way she behaves. When she does she will be able to get more from her relationship. While its true that Charming may be a bit of a passive or lazy partner, its also true that she chooses to stay with him. So there must be a reason she remains despite the frustration and disappointment.

Its more than simply loving him. Cinderella is receiving some sort of emotional benefit by controlling Charming. Once she acknowledges this, she will be able to change her controlling tendencies and use more appropriate behavior to meet her needs. When she decides to make some changes in how she thinks, feels, and behaves, hell have to change, as well. If he doesnt, shell find someone whos better suited for her.


WHEN CUTE BECOMES ANNOYING
Because of unrealistic expectations, most people think that all they need is love to make a relationship work. The problem is they dont hang around long enough for love to develop. They get high on the physical chemistry, excitement, and freshness that come from getting to know someone new and they interpret that as being in love. When these symptoms begin to wear off they think they must not really love that person and they begin looking for their next true love.