Excerpt



Joey was up late, as usual. He was having trouble sleeping what with all of the voices in his head talking and telling him things he didnt like to hear. Things which sometimes disturbed him. There were times though that the things they said did make sense to him. Sometimes the voices told him to do things that he thought could solve his problems. Sometimes the voices seemed to argue with each other and he liked that too, because when they argued with each other they left him alone.

At three in the morning a show came on television. Well, it really wasnt a show, not really a show but an infomercial. It was one of those staged, thirty minute commercials designed to look like a TV show. Joey liked some of the people in these infomercials, and he liked some of the products too. This was a new one which looked interesting. It was called You Cant Live Without This, and was sponsored by the Dolphin Manufacturing Company. There was an announcer wearing a tuxedo saying, in a very aristocratic voice, And now ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce to you the man who has made cooking a pleasure for me once again. This man is a shear genius. He is a revolutionary of invention. He has a mind that knows no bounds nor limitations. Ladies and gentlemen, I give to you Mr. Mick Ellingston. President of the Dolphin Manufacturing Company. As the crowd applauds in response, a large set of curtains open behind the announcer.

A tall, thin, blond haired man in his early thirties, wearing a tuxedo, walks to the center stage where there is a table. He stops, and in a very thick Australian accent man says, Ello mates. Have you ever ad this happen to you? You get up in the middle of the night and youre bloomin ungry. So you go into the kitchen, and there it is. The most beautiful tomato youve ever seen. He lifts up a big, red tomato from the table and the camera zooms in on it. He continues, So what do you do? You decide to make a lettuce and tomato sandwich. Mmm. The camera pans the audience nodding their heads in agreement, salivating at the very thought of a lettuce and tomato sandwich. So you take your tomato and put it on the cutting board like this. He places the tomato on the cutting board and picks up a knife saying, and you take your knife like so. The knife is poised above the tomato. And you slice off a nice thin piece, like this, . . . and then, . . . The knife just crushes the tomato and it splatters all over the table. This happens.

OHH NO! the audience moans.

He throws his hands up in the air and says, Thats right mates. You wanted to slice a tomato, not make tomato sauce. He smiles at the audience, leans toward them and lowers his voice to a loud whisper, amplified all the more by the sound system. He says, But I'll let you in on a little secret mates. Ive fixed that problem. I made a better knife. His voice rises again, his eyes open wide, and says, Do you want to see it?

YES! LETS SEE IT MICK!

He motions off stage and two beautiful women clad in skimpy bikinis come toward him carrying a silver platter covered in red velvet. They lay the platter on the table, bow low to show their cleavage, and walk away. Ellingston lifts the red velvet ever so slowly, picks up the knife with one hand on the handle and one on the end of the blade. He raises it over his head and the camera zooms in on it. The audience goes, OOH, AAH. The camera pans the excited audience who seem about to wet their pants at the sight of this knife. Mick then takes a brand new shiny tomato and places it gently on the table. He looks at the tomato, almost lustfully, and begins to slice it into many very thin perfect slices. He lays these slices carefully on a platter and the camera zooms in close. The audience goes wild again, BEAUTIFUL MICK!

Thank you. Thank you very much. Ellingston then goes through his routine and shows the audience that there was not just this one incredible knife but an entire set. Every time he was about to close the sale he smiled and said, But Wait . . . Theres more! and he included something else. The result was an entire set of 142 knives for the incredibly low sum of only four easy payments of only $19.95, plus shipping and handling. He says he can offer this spectacular collection at such a low because he has, eliminated the middleman. His pitch finished, a large screen descends behind him on which testimonials from customers are shown. They range from simple thanks, to a couple from upstate New York who break down in tears because these amazing knives have saved their marriage. After the testimonials, Mick gives the details on how to order, while the two bikini clad assistants bring out platters of lettuce and tomato sandwiches to distribute to the audience.

Joey picked up his phone and dialed the number shown. When the operator with the pretty voice answered, Joey asked, I-I was wondering if I could order those knives. You know, th-the ones on that are on the TV now? She took his order and his credit card number. After he hung up Joey finally nodded off.