Excerpt
Don’t Give Me Any Lip
All right. If no one else is going to bring it up, if everyone else is going to pretend it’s perfectly acceptable and normal, then let me be the one to say it: What is the deal with the big fake Michelin lips on women? It looks ridiculous and it’s totally stupid and above all—ABSOLUTELY HIDEOUS. Ladies, put out an APB—your mind is missing.
This is how distorted and freakish the accepted modes of “beauty” have become in this country. To have your lips look like they’ve just come out of a hostile apiary, is all the rage. And no one questions it!
Has everyone completely lost it? Who started this ridiculous trend of blowing up your lips three to four times their normal size so that you look like you just stepped out of the ring with Godzilla—and lost? And a better question: Why are women going in droves paying big bucks to get it done? Next to the I-look-like-I’m-pulled-tighter-than-a-virgin’s-daughter facelift—the blown-up lips are one of the ghastliest, most retarded looking things I’ve ever seen.
What’s truly amazing is so many women have actually deluded themselves into thinking that somehow this looks good. Where were you brought up to think this even looks human? Unless you’re from the outer reaches of the starship galaxies yet unknown to man—snap out of it! You look like an alien. And not a good-looking alien.
The level of delusion is fascinating. Think about the amount of rationalization and self-deception it takes to not only accept yourself looking like you just got an ass-whoopin’ in the mouth—but to think that it actually looks attractive. Attractive to whom is what I want to know. What episode of the Twilight Zone did I miss? I hate to burst the bubble—or the lips—of these women but I got news: No one ever, EVER says those lips look good.
In fact, every time one of these Michelin babes walks by, EVERYBODY snickers and makes derogatory and usually lewd, comments: “Hey’d you see the lips on that babe? She looks like she could play a tuba, whistle, and service her boyfriend—all at the same time,” or “Who does she think she’s kidding? I’ve seen less rubber on an 18-wheeler,” or “She’d better not get in a convertible—those lips’ll beat her to death!” No one ever says anything positive about those dumb-ass lips. Especially men. Why don’t these women just hold up a sign: Free BJs Here. What? Do you think men are thinking something charming when they see those big blown-up lips? Get real.
It’s sad, really, my own sex acting like blithering idiots. To think disfiguring your face to such an extreme that it looks like you’ve just had an intimate encounter with a helium tank, is striking. Actually, it does look like you got struck. But in the real world, if you punched someone in the lips and then gave them a mirror, the reaction would be one of horror and shock. And a possible lawsuit.
But tell women that “the stars” are doing it and now it’s the “in” thing—suddenly they can’t get out there fast enough to pay for their fair share of abuse. Hell, I’d be happy to punch these women in the mouth for half of what they paid just in the hopes that I might be able to knock some sense into them. Apparently, a mirror isn’t working.
Who is anybody kidding with those lips? Do these women honestly think those inner tube looking folds of flesh are enhancing their looks? Must be. Or I guess they wouldn’t be doing it.
In that case, I say if you’re that brainwashed, zombied out, and delusional—go for broke! Why just stop at just puffing those suckers up? Get ‘em really good ‘n’ big.
I can tell these women how to save some money. Money they can use to buy more overpriced clothes (emblazoned with some designer’s logo feces all over them) to further display their high self-esteem.
Why not just insert a plate in your mouth like some primitive tribes do—and be done with it. Can’t get your lips any bigger than that now, can you? Hell, if you really want to go for it—insert a Thanksgiving turkey platter in there. Or better yet, how about one of the leaves from the dining room table? Be the envy of your friends: “Yes, Sheila’s lips are big, but Marge can serve for four on hers—with wine glasses and dessert plates.”
So what’s next? What other absurd disfiguring obsession can we think up? How about a third arm growing out of your forehead? Why not? Skeptical you might look freakish? But it’s the “in” thing. And besides, Meg Ryan’s doing it.
Well, in thaaaaat case—gimme a nice big burly truck driver’s arm just shooting out the front of my head. It can hold my coffee while I drive or give someone the finger if they cut me off in traffic. My original hands can still be holding the wheel. Hey, I’m not just body conscious—I’m practical, too.
And that’s the View from this Broad.
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