I am not an addict. I am not an addict. I am not an addict. I am not an addict. I am not an addict. I AM NOT AN ADDICT!!
No matter how many times I say this, no one believes me.
“Mr. Caldwell, you are in denial, they say. Mr. Caldwell, admitting is the first step, which is what I’m told. The longer you refuse to admit and acknowledge this self-destructive behavior, the longer you will wallow in misery and waste your life away.”
I was told many more things, but after the first minute or so, I stop listening. The Substance Abuse Counselor continues to speak, hoping to reach somewhere and some place located deep inside my subconscious that is listening and wants to be helped.
I can see the intense stare in his eyes. He has probably seen countless addicts, who have come before me, with similar addictions and the same degree of denial.
But still I refuse to let go of the, I am not an addict attitude. Why? Because it has been this attitude that has kept me away from being a product of pity, loathing and discontent.
Why would I want to live in the vicinity of those emotions now? Then I hear him and he has said something, which has jogged me out of my stupor.
“If you admit, Mr. Caldwell, only then can you begin with your recovery.”
“Aren’t you listening? I am not an addict. So why would I need recovery?”
“Mr. Caldwell, you’ve had many brushes with the law. And during one of them, you yourself have admitted to be intoxicated.”
“Intoxicated? That’s a mistake! I don’t get high.”
“Well, it says right here that you were asked if alcohol played a part in the instant offense? You answered yes.”
“I don’t remember that! That’s a mistake, the paperwork is wrong.”
“The paperwork isn’t wrong. This is what you said, maybe you don’t remember. That’s a classic condition of alcoholism.”
“Man, I said I am not an alcoholic, so don’t tell me what the classic conditions are.”
“Mr. Caldwell, you asked to be admitted into this program. If you’re not an addict and don’t have a problem with substance abuse, then why do you want to participate in a drug program?”
“Because……,” that is all I got to say at first. The question didn’t really catch me off guard; it just made me feel like a confused addict.
So, I looked over at the program mantra that was located on an opposite wall. The mantra was long and drawn out.
It began by speaking about addicts and recovery, but at the bottom of the statement, or better yet proclamation, there was a line that read: We must address our criminally addictive lifestyles.
That was what had motivated me to want to take this program. So, that’s what I told the counselor.
“Okay, Mr. Caldwell, you can address that here. But you still have to address this alcohol abuse. So, I suggest you do that as well.”
For the next several minutes, the program coordinator wrote out what was to become my treatment plan. You see, every addict or substance abuser suffers from their own personal affliction. So, everyone’s treatment must be different. You will read and see through my memoir and experience in my first book called….. A MAN OF SUBSTANCE.
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