EAST SIDE, WEST SIDE –
GETTING AROUND THE TOWN

You got to be careful if you don’t know where you’re going,
because you might not get there.
-- Yogi Berra

Traveling in The Big Apple is fairly easy. The song “New York, New York – It’s A Wonderful Town” lays out north and south (“… the Bronx is up, and the Battery’s down …”). The East River is – east. There is no West River; it’s the Hudson River and runs parallel to the western-most thoroughfare on the island, the appropriately named West Side Highway. Greenwich Village and the downtown Financial District areas are where streets are named and not numbered and a portable GPS system or large-print map will come in handy. Fifth Avenue is the dividing line between The East Side and The West Side. The reason for this? The Dutch first set their wooden shoes on the southern tip of the island and then they began moving northward. It is at the southern end of the island, where the rivers meet and the Lady in the Harbor stands, that you’ll find streets like Stuyvesant, Gansevoort, and the simpler Water Street and Wall Street.

New York City’s public transportation system is one of the best in the world and there’s almost no problem getting around if The Rules of the Road are followed. The operative word, notice, is almost. Ignore or defy the Rules of the Road and you’re either on a suicide mission or deluding yourself into thinking you’re a 21st Century Lewis or Clark. In addition to vehicular transportation, hoofing around The Big Apple is a real kick.

Public Transportation

There are three types of public transportation in New York: bus, subway, and taxi cab. If you’re on an unlimited budget and can afford a chauffeured limousine, good for you. Skip this chapter entirely; you’re not part of the madding crowd trying to get around Manhattan.

Buses

Various kinds of buses run roughshod over the potholes of New York City. The cheapest are the Metropolitan Transit Authority (MTA) ones. They run east/west (aka, the “crosstown bus”) and north/south (the “uptown/downtown” bus). For $2.00 you can ride almost from one end of the island to the other and see the sun rise in the morning and set at night. WARNING: riding MTA buses requires correct change or a MetroCard (more about these in the Subways section). MTA buses do not accept paper currency from any country, so exact change means exactly that. You must have correct coinage – except for pennies, which the U.S. Federal Government has talked about doing away with anyway. Do not expect MTA bus drivers to make change for you. That quaint accommodation went the way of the wooly mammoth and the 5-cent Staten Island Ferry ride.

Despite the bad rap Big Apple residents are given for being uncaring (a misconception as we’ve previously pointed out with the Readers Digest poll which named NYC folk as the Most Polite!), on occasion a New Yorker may take pity on a tourist who looks desperate and naïve enough as he or she clutches dollar bills pitifully in hand. The New Yorker may make change for the paper money. But don’t count on it! At the risk of being repetitious, it is clearly stated at the side of the bus doorway “EXACT CHANGE REQUIRED.”

New Yorkers will rarely make change for other New Yorkers. We know that they know that they should know better; we’re a very knowledgeable citizenry. “You live here! You know you gotta have the right change or a MetroCard!” Riders with small children, little old ladies and gents without the two bucks in coins are the exception to this, most of the time. However, rush hour brings out the worst in New Yorkers. Big Applers exchanging coins for dollar bills for their fellow citizens doesn’t look like it’s ever going to change.

Do not confuse Express buses with Limited buses. Express buses are commuter buses which go to the other boroughs comprising New York City. Limited buses travel north and south in the city and stop only at major crosstown streets (remember, those are the ones that run east and west). The initials before a bus’ numbering indicates which borough or boroughs it serves: “M” = Manhattan, “Bx” = the Bronx, “B” = Brooklyn, “Q” = Queens, “S” = Staten Island.

Riding on buses requires a certain amount of physical agility as the majority of those in control of these vehicles apparently have graduated from driving schools where the motto is “Let’s see how many people we can throw to their knees or twizzle to the back of the bus.” Pressing pedal to the metal is the norm, not the exception. You don’t have to be an expert in fencing footwork or be balletically trained to ride a New York bus, but it does help. Stopping on invisible dimes, piloting straight for potholes, and weaving in and out of traffic are just three of New York bus drivers’ talents.


Subways
Now let’s go underground. First things first – contrary to belief, there are no alligators in The Big Apple’s subway system. Rats, yes! New York City rats are the size of alligators (just kidding!). New York City also has eccentrics (that’s a polite way of saying weirdos). But there are no alligators (or crocodiles for that matter) in the subway system. There are rats, the size of rottweilers, but we do not have alligators. It’s totally bogus; totally, completely an urban legend.