Matthew 9:22 Jesus turned. He saw the woman and said, “Don't worry! You are now well because of your faith.” At that moment she was healed.
“I will call you the moment I know something,” the familiar voice reassures me. “It will be about a week.” With a tear in my eye I left the office once again…and waited. The idea of learning to wait has become all too familiar to me.
When you live with cancer you must learn to live without instant decisions or news. Sometimes we wait for test results, to see if radiation worked, for our hair to return after chemotherapy, or to simply feel human again. At the moment, I’m in a constant state of waiting – will my cancer return?
It’s like mastering a new skill, such as driving or swimming. Not because we have to but because we choose to. I’ve gotten pretty good at the waiting game and have learned how to do it with grace and hope!
And in all this waiting I realize that life really is all about learning how to wait. I ask my young daughters to wait when they want to use the computer and I am answering emails. We wait in line at the store and wait for the work day to be over.
I had to wait to meet the man of my dreams while dating some others that essentially helped me define what I really wanted in a man. It took a year of trying and waiting to become pregnant for the first time. I remember how hard it was to wait each month and then read a negative result when we so desperately wanted a baby. Then, my husband and I couldn't wait until the day both of our daughters slept through the night without interrupting our sleep. Now we can't wait until they are both in school and we no longer have a day care bill – because I have been waiting to have extra money to decorate our bedroom!
Then there is the waiting of more serious issues – like waiting to see if the latest interventions are working for a young boy with autism whose parents want nothing more than to help him live a full life. Or watching a loved one slowly die from the complications associated with old age and waiting for the day they can rest in peace. Or a divorced man who is trying to rebuild his life and waiting to see if he will ever reconnect with his children. For me, I’m waiting to find out if I have cancer again…waiting to find out what's ahead. Cancer can be anything that takes you out of the present. It can be your inability to forgive someone who wronged you. It can be the worry that fills your soul around an issue in which you have no control. It can be your negative attitude about money, or health, or a strained relationship with a family member. Cancer is everywhere because many people choose to live with it.
Personally, I’ve made peace with all this waiting. In the end I realize it's not the waiting we should focus on at all. In our quest for answers, we often lose sight of what life is really all about – the present. I’m able to live in the present. I enjoy each moment of my life as if it were my last. I choose to live in the present because I don't want to miss out on life that surrounds me. When we live outside of the present, we live with our own cancer.
Yes, I am a cancer survivor. Not because I fought off Merkel Cell once, but because I made peace with the enemy. Merkel Cell Cancer will not destroy me, who I am, what I do, or how I live. Merkel Cell has made me stronger – more grateful. Today I laugh out loud because I am able to live in the present. My hope is that you too will face your own cancer; whether it is a medically diagnosed cancer or a cancer that lives in your mind. Because when you embrace all of the waiting and find peace in the present then you are truly living.
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