Chapter 5 Unforgiveness
Unforgiveness always causes more misery to the one entrapped by it than it does to the one to whom it is directed. Choosing not to forgive chains you in a self-imposed prison. But when you do forgive, that knot in your stomach that weighs you down dissolves, and you can move forward to express and experience a life of true freedom.
Woman Stuff #5: Unforgiveness
The easiest way to recognize unforgiveness is to observe the emotions that accompany it. Unforgiveness often reveals itself in anger, hatred, bitterness, resentment, hostility, or fear towards someone who has hurt you. My twenty-five–plus years in corporate America have enabled me to travel to forty different states and interact with many different women. What I have noticed is that the culture of women does not change with location; women in the workplace, more frequently than men, have a difficult time in forgiving.
One common theme that seems to recur with women struggling with unforgiveness is a violation of trust that makes them feel that relationship with the one who offended them can never be restored. Once workplace trust is violated, women with this type of Woman Stuff find it very difficult to establish trust with other women co-workers.
If you lack trust in your co-workers, you will eventually become a disengaged employee. As a disengaged employee, you will eventually represent negative behavior. At the very least, because of your unwillingness to forgive, you will represent resentment in the workplace.
You may be struggling in this area and not even want to be at work; nevertheless, you are there, so why not make the best of the situation? A bad experience with one co-worker should not cause you to remove yourself from other co-workers, nor should you start a campaign for other workers to hate the co-worker that violated your trust. Unforgiveness will always hurt you more than it hurts the other person. As you nurse the grudge, bitterness and anger will take root, holding you hostage and causing much stress. Eventually unforgiveness will affect both your work performance and your physical and emotional well-being.
I have shared with many women that although it is great if the person who violated your trust apologizes and asks for your forgiveness, in reality it may not happen. Even if your offender never offers an apology, you still have no reason to refuse to forgive. Forgive her anyway, for your own well-being.
Years ago a supervisor did something to me that violated my trust in her. I was earnestly seeking to understand why she did what she did, and when I asked her about it, she stated, “Because I can.” I was angry at first, even though I did not show it at the time. But as a result of this incidence and other incidences with co-workers and supervisors, I learned to forgive and to make the necessary adjustments.
So how do you forgive? Here are a few principles:
Principle #1: It takes only one person to forgive—you! It is important that you seek to understand the other person’s perspective and why she did what she did. Hopefully, you will also be able to explain to her how she made you feel. However, regardless of her feedback and regardless of her sincerity or insincerity, forgive her. Always approach the offender with calmness, even if you have to wait a little bit, but do not let it go for days. Unresolved anger builds, and you may end up doing something you will regret. Remember, when you forgive, you keep the offender from having power over you, and you move on with peace in your heart because you are doing what is right.
Principle #2: Set healthy boundaries in the workplace. These are parameters that enable you to work with others but limit your interactions to work tasks and conversation related to those tasks. It is not wise to venture into nonwork-related conversations with everyone. As you get to know your co-workers and discover what types of Woman Stuff they have, you will be able to set different boundaries with different workers concerning what you share and do not share with them. It is okay to have variations of working relationships. Not everyone is going to be your friend. Setting healthy boundaries reduces the number of offenses that can hurt you deeply.
Principle #3: Many times co-workers will do something that offends you; this is simple reality since no one is perfect except the one who created us all. When an offense comes, evaluate whether it was intentional or unintentional, though both kinds hurt. However, it is the intentional offense that requires tighter boundaries in your working relationships.
For me personally, unforgiveness has not been one of my Woman Stuff issues. Nevertheless, I have seen its impact and power to destroy others. Forgiveness is a choice. I know that sounds simple, but the decision to forgive really is the first step. Sometimes it means having the willpower to forgive over and over again when someone hurts you deeply. In section 3 of this book, I will share a power source that actually makes this possible!
Is this your Woman Stuff?
|