Practicing Medicine, as a Family Practitioner, is a little bit like fishing in the ocean. When you cast your lure out in salt water, you may be fishing for Trout or Redfish, but you just never know what denizen of the deep is going to swim by and take your lure. Every bite is a potential adventure. In Family Practice, every patient that walks in the door is a potential adventure. It has been said that practicing Medicine is like flying—hours of boredom mixed with short periods of sheer terror.
A day in my office was sometimes like that. Most of the people, who came in the door, were suffering from some relatively routine (for me) illness or condition. Many just needed a cursory glance to make the diagnosis, and the treatment was routine. Some came in with cuts and scrapes, some needing stitches and a tetanus shot. Some were troubled in spirit and needed some counseling and reassurance or guidance. And then there was the few over the years who came into the office and passed out or died in the hall or on the examining table. I think it is safe to say that the life of a family doctor is seldom boring.
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One day, early on in my practice, I had an encounter with a patient by the name of Mrs. Mains. I had seen Mrs. Mains several times for mundane problems, and she frequently brought her grandchildren in for childhood illnesses. Mrs. Mains was a dead ringer for the actress, Marjorie Mains, who played Ma Kettle in the movies. She dressed like Ma Kettle and talked like Ma Kettle. She was loud and boisterous, and her language was sometimes a bit ribald. To say the least, she was a colorful character.
One day, she brought one of her grandchildren in to see me because of restlessness at night and rectal itching, both of which suggested the diagnosis of a Pin Worm infestation. The test for pinworms is a simple one. Each morning for three days, when the child first arises from sleep, before he has a bowel movement, a piece of clear Scotch tape is placed over the anus, then removed and placed on a microscopic slide, which our lab provided. Pin Worms live in the intestinal tract, and they come out of the anus and lay eggs around the opening, usually at night when the patient is asleep. This causes a lot of itching and restlessness. By sticking the tape over the anal opening, the tape picks up the eggs. When the tape is stuck on the slide and then placed under the microscope, one can see the eggs, and the diagnosis is made.
Well, Mrs. Mac explained to Mrs. Mains exactly how to do this, and then sent her home with the slides. On the third day, she came back, bringing the child with her to the laboratory. When the laboratory technician asked for the slides, she gave them to him, but there was nothing on them.
John White, our laboratory technician asked Mrs. Mains, “Where are the strips of tape we gave you?”
“Well, you told me to stick it over his butt hole, and that’s where it’s at!”
She had not placed any tape on any of the slides, but had put a strip of tape over the child’s anus and left it there.
John explained, “Mrs. Mains, you were supposed to just press a piece of tape to the anal area every day and then stick the tape to one the slides.”
Mrs. Mains looked at John in shocked surprise. She threw her head back and roared with laughter and said in a loud voice that could be heard all over the office, “My God, I put the tape on there three days ago and it is still on there. I didn’t know I was supposed to take it off!”
She bent the child over, pulled down his pants, and he gave a yelp as she ripped the tape off. That poor kid had gone around for three days with his anus taped shut! I’ll bet he was really glad to get to go to the bathroom when that was all over. The tape did, indeed, show the presence of Pinworm ova and the diagnosis of Pinworm infestation was confirmed. Case solved.
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