The way you engage sexually mirrors how you are living in all aspects of your life, and vice versa. It is an intimate view into your deepest self.
You can utilize your sex life to clarify, transform and uplift your entire life.
Vivian: Are you saying I set myself up to be angry because I said okay to him but it really wasn’t okay for me? KJ: Yes. By saying something that wasn’t really true for you, your response diminished your own needs. My guess is this made you angry with yourself as well as him. You could have accepted where he was at that moment, but also maintained your own worth, by not negating what you wanted. You deserve to have this conversation with your husband because it is important to you. Yet if it was completely the wrong time for him, it’s important to respect that too. It wasn’t personal to you. It was where he was. You could have said something like ‘this is a conversation that needs to happen over the next few days, so please find a time that will work for you and let me know.’ Be proactive in your response rather than passive aggressive. Vivian: I can see your point. I still think he’s being an asshole, though, and a part of me doesn’t even want to bother having the conversation. Meantime, if you think I want to have sex with him right now, you are so wrong. KJ: …You came to me wanting to find your way back to your husband. You said you love him. You also love your children and family life together. What part of this is still true for you? Vivian: All of it. I just hate when he’s such an asshole. And he’s like this a lot. Sometimes he’s even worse to deal with, too. It makes me worry I’m not going to be able to find my way back to him.
KJ: Let’s focus on doing everything you can to see if it’s possible. What do you think of planning a talk time to have your conversation with him away from the kids and the house over this next week? Vivian: Okay. KJ: And keep masturbating in the meantime, at least a couple of times a week, and more if you want, of course. We want to keep stoking your sexual energy within yourself. The more you rev up this part of yourself, the easier it will be for you to want to share it with your husband.
Sexual Reflection …..Vivian lets out a sigh. She is feeling annoyed with her husband again, and disappointed with her situation. The conversation didn’t go nearly as well as she had hoped. He didn’t seem to hear her any better today than he has over the past decade! Screw him. She rolls away from him on her side of the bed.
She finds herself repeating the phrase in her mind: Screw him! She thinks of her session with KJ. If they go to sleep now, nothing will be different in the morning. She will be no closer to reconnecting with her husband. She hears KJ’s voice saying, “Go for what you want. You have everything to win.” The time she said, ‘forget it!’ and left the room, she didn’t get what she really wanted. Vivian decides with a chuckle, “I think I want to screw him!” She rolls herself over toward her husband and puts her hand on his belly, under the sheet but over his t-shirt. She realizes how long it’s been since she actually touched him and even longer since she truly felt him. She finds herself enjoying the feel of his body. She moves her hand underneath his shirt, grazing his pajama bottoms, then slides her hand slowly back up his belly to his chest. He opens his eyes. They look at each other for a very long moment. Then he reaches up, pulls her face to him and kisses her, long and leisurely. Their hands start moving over each other. Pulling themselves closer to each other, she revels in his touch. … She has a flashback of their early days of sharing passion when sex was a language they seemed to speak freely. He starts sucking her nipples, as he slides his hand down to stroke between her legs. He knows just how she likes to be touched. It feels good. She realizes from masturbating more lately, her body is feeling more receptive to his touch than it has been for years. He slips his finger inside her. She can hear her wetness as he fondles her in and out, all the while rubbing her clitoris with his thumb. She wants to feel his penis inside her. She takes him in her hand and strokes him as they kiss. Next she strips him completely and takes off her nightgown. Then she climbs on top of him and slides herself down on his hard penis. She moves slowly up and down while his hands play with her breasts. She loves the look on his face. It is one of deep pleasure. Small guttural sounds escape from the back of his throat enhancing her excitement. She bends down to kiss him. He surprises her by swiftly rolling her on her back and throwing pillows aside. He begins to move inside her with increased fervor. She has missed this closeness. She feels full with him inside her. All this thinking she knows is keeping her too within her own head to try to have an orgasm, but she doesn’t care. She is enjoying the feel, the touch, and the experience of sex with her husband after all this time. After he finishes, he holds her in his arms for a few minutes. Then they pick up the scattered pillows and make sure they each have their own before settling into their sides of the bed and going to sleep. Vivian feels hope within.