My Indian name is “Doesn’t Lend Money.” My uncle’s name is “Little Prick”. He should really start sending those birthday presents on time.


People never believe the truth if bullshit makes a better story.


The world was a lot better place when I was six years old. My arthritis wasn’t bothering me and my back didn’t hurt.


If gold is such a fantastic investment, why is the guy on television trying to sell it instead of keeping it?


Only a fool speaks all his thoughts, so I just write them down.


 





If you really, really want to understand Infinity, just keep thinking about it until you figure it out.


I’m not implying anything. I’m just saying the only reason English women have children is French tourists.


The shortest distance to a point is a straight line followed by a punch line.


If you’re willing to set your hair on fire, I think I can get you on cable news.


 




I think exercising someone’s demons works better than exorcising demons. You ask me to do twenty deep-knee bends, I’d leave right away and so would demons.



Make little things count. Teach a midget arithmetic.


Only fat people go to Heaven. That’s why they have Gates of Heaven instead of Doors of Heaven. The chairs are also very large and comfortable.


I’m against wars riots, violence and anything else that spills my coffee.