I. FEMALE SUPERIORITY
15 PIECES OF ADVICE TO BE PASSED ON TO YOUR DAUGHTERS
1. Don't imagine you can change a man unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for younger men. You might as well they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.
14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.
II. BLONDE JOKES
A young blonde was asked by a guy who had just made love to her:
"Am I the first guy you ever made love to?"
"You might be," she replied, "Your face looks familar."
A girl goes to confess her sins to the priest:
-Father, I gave my boyfriend a hand job.
-Shame on you young lady. You must pray 12 Holy Fathers and 6 Holy Marys and then you must wash your hands in the holy water basin.
After praying she goes to wash her hands and one of her girl friends comes in and she tells her what happened. Her friend says:
-Well, don't get the holy water too dirty because I'm gonna have to do gargles with it.
III. POLITICAL HUMOR
The last four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they spin to OZ. After threatening trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.
"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL WIZARD OF OZ? WHAT DO YOU WANT?"
Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: "I had a terrible time with Iran, so I've come for some courage."
"NO PROBLEM!" says the Wizard, "WHO IS NEXT?"
Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well..,Well.., Well.., I ... think I need a brain".
"DONE" says the Wizard.
"WHO COMES NEXT BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ?"
Up steps George Bush sadly, "I'm told by the American people that I need a heart."
"I'VE HEARD ITS TRUE." says the Wizard.
"CONSIDER IT DONE."
Then there is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word.
Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THE EMERALD CITY?"
"Hey were's Dorothy ?"
IV. ELDERLY HUMOR
A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all away. But,.. I must know, did he have a different father?"
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he did." The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks "Who?.. Who was he? Who was the father?"
Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says "You".
V. THE HUMOR OF CHILDREN
A mother and father take their young son to the circus. When the elephants appear, the son is intrigued by them, and he turns to his mother and says, "Mom, what's that thing hanging between the elephant's legs?"
The mother is embarrassed, and says, "Oh, it's nothing, son."
So the son turns to the father and asks him the same question. The father replies, "It's the elephant's penis, son.
"The son says, "Why did mom say it was nothing?"
The father draws himself up, and proudly says, "Son, I've spoiled that woman."
A little girl raised her hand
during a biology lesson and asked if her grandmother could have a baby. The teacher was a bit surprised at the question but answered that the grandmother was too old to have babies. "So what about my mother?" asked the girl. The teacher said that it was possible, but that her mother was probably getting too old to be having babies as well. "Well, then could I have a baby?" she wanted to know. "Goodness no!" said the teacher, "you are much too young." "See!" said a voice from the back of the classroom, "I told YOU you didn't have anything to worry about.
VI. ANIMAL HUMOR
POSSIBLY THE VERY BEST CHICKEN JOKE EVER:
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"
Three Labrador retrievers-one brown, one yellow and one black-were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office when they struck up a conversation.
The black lab turned to the brown and said, "So why are you here?"
The brown lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything-the sofa, the drapes, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."
The black lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?"
"Gonna give me Prozac," came the reply from the brown lab. "All the vets are prescribing it. It works for everything." T
he black lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, "Why are you here?"
The yellow lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch."
"So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired.
"Looks like Prozac for me too," the dejected yellow lab said. The yellow lab then turned to the black lab and asked, "Why are you at the vet's office?"
"I'm a humper," the black lab said. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away."
The yellow and brown labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, Prozac for you too, huh?"
The black lab said, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."