Happy, TX --(MANIWIRE)--Sept. 1, 2002--Health officials in various cities worldwide are concerned about a widespread outbreak of deep-seated depression among Manilow fans.

Considered to be the biggest epidemic in years, psychiatrists, doctors and members of the "Cheer Up, Dammit" league are meeting in the town of Happy, Texas to discuss possible solutions.

At first the illness was shrugged off as post-touring depression, but experts now believe something more serious may be plaguing Manilow fans, who have been observed as listless, apathetic and a big drag to be around.

"I was at the PNC Center for that final show. We all had glow sticks!" sobbed one fan, who spends her lunch hours now searching the Internet for old photos and audio clips. Pulling her symbol of past joy out of her purse, she said, "Now look at it. A lifeless rod with no glow, no spark. It just lies around lookin stupid. I might as well go back to my husband.

Another fan, who declined to be named (and were too lazy to print her name anyway), works as a scientist in a Washington D.C. lab and is suffering from an acute manifestation of the disease. Now that the tour is over, what am I supposed to do? I mean, theres rumors about a live CD and Harmony and all that, but there hasnt been any news in a month ... unless you count the New York Post, but every real fan knows the only authentic news comes from the THE FAN CLUB. Theres just nothing going on. I cant even look forward to Vegas this Christmas. Yawning, she added, Guess Ill go discover a cure for cancer or something. Ive got nothing better to do.

Fans everywhere are resorting to drastic measures, including listening to other artists music, remodeling their homes, paying bills, reading books, taking real vacations, dating, giving birth and becoming productive members of society.

My co-workers dont know what the hell happened to me, and neither do I, complained one fan. They keep asking me, how come you never call off sick anymore to see Barry? Did you two have a fight or something?

The signs of fan apathy are evident everywhere you look. Sales of Ultimate Manilow have skidded drastically. Discussions on the Internet have dwindled down to almost nothing. News articles mentioning Barrys name in any meaningful way are few and far between. Even Barrys own national fan club routinely emails hotline messages to its members -- about other artists.

Look, commented Manilows manager, Larry, Theres just nothing happening with Barry that the fans need to know. Barrys moving to New York is none of their business. Anything relating to Barry personally is none of their business. We make it a strict policy not to tell the fans anything about Barry unless it somehow makes money for us. When theres a live CD for sale or Harmony tickets to purchase, then well tell them something. In the meantime, heres a copy of Curtis Stigers tour schedule. Go buy some tickets.

Meanwhile Manilow, surrounded by boxes and moving vans in front of his Palm Springs home, kept yelling, Theres nothing to see here! and declined to give us an interview. However his neighbor, Suzanne Somers, was happy to tell us (and on national television, too!) that Barry was nervous about moving, nervous about Harmony and very upset over having to leave his pepper tree. Suzanne also went into great detail about what Barry said on the telephone yesterday about the weather, the upcoming fall lineup on CBS, clipping his toenails, what the dog puked up on the carpet and why it was galling to have to open for Barbra Streisand. Then she sold us these really cute earrings.
30
This fictional press release contains forward-looking statements. Any such statements bearing any resemblance to persons alive, dead, or just plain boring are merely coincidental, blah blah blah. Like anybody really cares. And yes, believe it or not, there really is a town in Texas called Happy.