EXCERPT
My heart was pounding as I sat next to my husband in his doctors office. I didnt want to hear verified what I already knew in my heart.
Pensively the doctor entered the room. He sat down at his desk across from us and shuffled through his papers. He looked at us sorrowfully and swallowed as if he might choke on his words. For several years he had been our doctor and knew the last few years had been especially difficult. We lost our only daughter at forty with lung cancer. Soon after her death our oldest son died of a massive stroke.
The doctor cleared his throat. Harold, that little tumor that we found in your lung two months ago has tripled in size.
My husband turned white and seemed to shrink into the chair. Is it malignant? he inquired.
Im not sure but probably, the doctor said. We need to get busy and see what can be done.
Just a minute, doctor. Ive lived a long, fulfilling life. My quality of life is no longer that good. Im tired. I hate to leave my wife and family. Norma is a strong woman and I know she will be fine.
I wanted to scream, I cant go through this again. Then taking a deep breath I said, The decision is yours and I will respect that.
Harold, the doctor said. If that is your choice, I promise you that Ill do all I can to make you as comfortable as possible.
Shall I call Hospice? I think it is appropriate now. Think about it and call me when you get home. The doctor put his arm around my husbands shoulders and ushered us out of his office.
We hurried out the door and down the elevator in silence. Why doesnt that lump in my throat go away? Why doesnt the pain in my gut disappear? If my heart stops pounding, it may not start again. I am terrified. The elevator door opened and we walked toward our car. Help me, Lord, please help me, I prayed silently. He did, every step of the way.
* * * * *
So many things I wanted to say,
So many things I remember today.
So many things I wanted to do,
But they would have meaning only with you.
Good-bye, My Loves
* * * * *
I was now alone. I made the final decision. Monday I will call a realtor and put my house on the market. When I got my bank statement, I realized the cut in my income would make it necessary to draw on my savings. I had to be realistic.
We owned our own business for over thirty years and lived on the edge of the desert. When we sold it, we bought a townhouse in Carlsbad, California. We both loved the nearby ocean. Our children were married and we could lock the door of our home and feel free to travel. We would perch our motorhome on a spot with a view, make a pot of coffee and watch the sun come up or go down. After all those years together, having three children, living and working together, we had finally got to know each other.
Now that Diane, Rick and Harold were gone, I felt I needed a smaller house. I wanted time to see more of my grandchildren, read good books, listen to music I love, to write, perhaps take a class in creative writing or learn about computers.
I hope I could remember all the wonderful memories this precious house held and forget the sadness that happened there.
* * * * *
Ive lived in my new little house for almost a year.
I felt rested. I laughed more, occasionally out loud. Friends rallied and entertained me royally!
Last week I had my yearly physical and the doctor said everything seemed to be working well. The sound sleep and exercise couldnt have hurt.
Im almost settled in this comfortable place. There are squirrels and bunnies in my front yard. Coyotes howl at night. The quietness of it is wonderful.
The neighbors are friendly, busy people who let you know they are there if you need them. They really dont know me but I hope they will before long. I think they use the stack of unpacked boxes in my garage as a gauge. The stack grows smaller each day and soon I will belong.
Bills are smaller. My son Roger and his family look relaxed and at home when they visit. I feel perhaps God found this spot on a quiet cul-de-sac just for me.
My grandchildren have discovered the games and albums in accessible places. Lucas, their stuffed bear substitutes for a soft pillow on the couch in the den. Chuey and Little Bear, the other huggables, are close by.
There is a new old comforter to drag around. Its great to spread in front of the TV for snacking or to roll up in for a rest.
I left behind the haunting rattle of the shower door as my daughter, Diane, reached for support when a grand-mal seizure clutched her in full fury.
I remember my oldest son, Rick, sitting in the easy chair in front of the fireplace in the master bedroom. He was listening to Christmas Carols in November trying to work one more Christmas into his life that was slipping away!
Harold lying on the bedroom floor unable to pull himself up and me not being able to help him.
These are sad memories I left behind in the home my family knew and loved.
When night settles in and the lights come on in the great San Luis Rey Valley, it is like being on top of the world. I stand alone on my hill and gaze out across the magnificent valley. Quiet breezes blow away my griefs of the past.
I am a woman that has been blessed with peace.
God is so good!
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