Excerpt



From the Diary of Bright Moon



December 20, 1960



I received a letter from C this afternoon. He is often very charming in his letters. He often makes me smile. I know that C wants us to be married as soon as possible but the trouble is that he cant talk with my parents and he doesnt know many customs which a girl can hardly suggest her prtendant to do for him. A girl can never tell her parents that she wants to marry soon, or ask them freely to plan for her marriage when there is nothing official yet. In this affair, the girl is always subjective and it is very unusual for a girl to show her feelings and speak freely. I wonder if C understands this. I often feel so confused when I have to express my intimate feelings and my wishes for my marriage.

Once for all, I took all my courage to talk with Dad this evening about our intention for the future. I told him that we wish to have something official, that we hope he would think about our affair and plan for our union, that I thought I would ask C to ask his parents to write official letters to him and to my mother, that C would ask someone to come and talk officially. I tried to speak with a calm voice and when I finished I still felt my heart beating so fast and I could feel the sweat on my skin.

I had thought of this talk long ago. I felt it rather undignified to talk about my own marriage with my father when there was no official proposal yet, but what could I do? I did this mostly because of C, I dont like to see him unhappy although he never said anything to me.

I remember I repeated again and again the words I wished to say in my mind, and as I spoke them I was both afraid and moved that I almost became insensible. My father only said Well, Ill think about that. Its time you should have an engagement. Then he talked about other things. I wonder what he thought at the moment. Lately he said that he liked C better than that friend of my brothers who was also my admirer, but I cant forget how he tried to prevent me to fall in love with a foreigner and how he warned me of the disconveniences of international marriage when I began to be interested in Cs letters.

In our last talk he also said that Fortunately many barriers between countries and peoples etc. have been removed, and the world is tending to and should become a great community.

His words made me feel rather happy. After the talk, I felt so easy. When I came in the house I felt as if I had changed into another person. I was happy that I could express my thoughts without mistakes.





June 6, 1962



Counting today, our son Stephen Hoang Minh is exactly 14 days old. I dont have words enough to thank God and Mother Maria for granting me everything I had hoped for. I look at my child and my heart trembles so much I want to weep. Lying in this hospital room is so terribly lonely, but each time I see my child I forget everything else. My heart beats to every breath, every cry, every smile, every expression on the face of my child. I know that my child right now does not yet feel or think very much, and his crying is not at all a sign of any pain or hurt. Despite knowing that, often when I see him screw up his eyes and cry, I dont know why but my own tears pour out. Really, both mother and child are so unreasonable!

This morning I dressed my child in the white gown embroidered with blue flowers which I had carefully made by myself. He really looks lovable. Now he is not allowed to sleep near me because the nurse has taken him a separate sleeping place in another room for the night. I miss him. I want to hold and hug him, to impart to him all my love, to fan him gently if he gets damp with perspiration, to rock him in my arms.

I dont know why but often when I look at my child I feel surprised that I have become a mother now and have more new responsibilities. Perhaps because this is only my firstborn and actually the duties of a mother are all so new to me.

My darling child, when I hold you to my heart I think of nothing but that you are my child, but the times I sit alone like right now I worry about the tomorrows when you grow up and I dont know what you will think of me, what you will think of one different bloodstream flowing in your body. I worry about that only because I know the unhappinesses of some people with European and Asian blood, and I fear you might think wrongly. But anyhow I also hope you understand that the love between your father and me is one of the purest and clearest loves on this earth. Thats why all my life as a Mother I will love you always and do everything possible to make you happy.

Sleep well, child! In my mind I kiss your gentle young lips. Now, dont cry.