It is over a year now since I was strong-armed into becoming a hit man for the mob. Without a doubt, I was the luckiest hit man who ever made a pact with the devil and lived to tell about the tale. You see, I never had to actually carry out an assignment. Call it luck or call it Providence. In the end I survived without the blood of the innocent or the guilty on my hands.
Survival is a funny thing though. My life on the surface is now back to normal. But, what is normal? My memories of what the mob did to me and my family are still too vivid to escape completely. I tell myself to just forget the whole rotten experience. The past is the past. No matter how much I may want to, I cannot change it. Yet the past still haunts me. How can I ever forget how they killed my sister? Or what they did to ruin my father’s business? or the killing of Rocco and Pa pa Joe who were like uncles to me?
The mob can hurt you many ways. They can kill you and your suffering is over. They can maim you with beatings. Your physical pain may go away with time, but the emotional scars and fear will never go away. They break your spirit and rob you of more than your money. They steal your peace of mind. That's what happened to me. They never hurt me physically but I have wounds that won’t heal. A seemingly insignificant incident, or a even a smell or sound, can trigger a flood of fear coming back to me. And to make matters worst the fear triggers my hatred for them.
Hate is something that is tough to hide. It shows on my face, in my vacant eyes, drawn skin and unsmiling mouth. It shows itself in my personality. I’ve become abrupt in conversations and angry for no reason. My friends and associates shy away from me, to put it bluntly, I’ve become a pain in the ass.
I know hate is not good. Doctors say it can cause stress. And too much stress can kill you. For my own good, I have to lose the hatred I have for them. Yeah, but how?
Do you know what’s really strange about my hatred? The two bastards I hate the most are dead. Yeah, that right, dead. The head of the mob, Carmine Cassetti and his second in command, Guido Natale are both dead. Those two and their gang almost ruined my life. Every time I think about those sons of bitches, my blood boils. They should have suffered more like the suffering they caused their victims, which includes my family and me. Rotting in hell is not enough punishment. The torment of not knowing from day to day whether harm would come to me or especially my wife or kids cannot be erased by their deaths.
The mob boss and his capo are gone, but their thugs are still alive. The corrupt political power broker Joe Nardi is probably still pulling the strings of local officials to feed his ego and lining his pockets. They all had a hand in the wrongs inflicted on my family. I want to see them locked up for good.
At times I wish that I could handle things just like my father. He never talked about the sad and brutal memories he endured in the past. He always talked about his happy memories.
During our last conversation before he past away, he asked if I remembered going to the Phillies games at Connie Mack stadium when I was a little kid. How could I forget them? They were the good times I will always treasure. We spent our final time together reminiscing and laughing about the old days. He didn’t want me to forget those times. His last words to me were.
“Always cherish the good memories and learn from the bad ones.”
Now and then I think about what he said. The only problem I have, as you can see, is first trying to forget the bad ones and the hatred they bring me.
Could it be the reason I can’t forget them is because my Dad, sister, and two uncles want revenge. Maybe they are waiting up there and praying for me to do something. Yeah, maybe that’s what it is. I have to do something to get back at the mob. I will dad. I promise you I will do something when and if the right time comes along. I promise you. Maybe by helping them get satisfaction it will even do me some good by ending my hatred. Yes that is what we all need. REVENGE! REVENGE! REVENGE!